Lack of Sleep

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My lack of sleep is now effecting my relationship. This morning my ‘hubby’ asked where his sweater was, I told him that it was in the bedroom. He comes out with it and says that I was wrong because the sweater was on the bed. I told him that it was still in the bedroom, so I was right. He then said “No, you’re such a liar, if it was in the closet and you said in the bedroom then you’d be wrong.” This went back and forth for a bit and finally I snapped and screamed over him “Stop calling me a liar! I said it was in the bedroom and it was! If it had been in the closet and I said it was in the bedroom then I’d still be right since the closet is in the bedroom!” So it was a very quiet ride to work after that. He always does this, he is the type of person who ALWAYS has to be right. Usually I choose what I argue about. It was a stupid argument and usually I’d just tell him “whatever baby” and let him have his way. But for a little over a month I have been getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night, and even those 5 hours aren’t a solid 5 hours. I am constantly waking up and unable to easily fall back asleep. And this morning I woke myself up because I was laughing hysterically in my sleep. Apparently it woke up my ‘hubby’ too, which was what had gotten his panties in a bunch this morning before he even got out of bed.

But it’s not just my lack of sleep at night. Since I’m constantly tired I constantly take naps during the day (none lasting over 30 minutes) and I get angry at my ‘hubby’ because apparently he sees me as being ‘lazy’ since I “don’t do anything and constantly complain about being tired”. Even though I always bring up that he never does anything around the house, nor outside of the house. He works and then comes home and does nothing. I work, go to school, cook all of the meals and do everything around the house. Even my days off consist of doing all of the house chores that I wasn’t able to do during the week. While his days off consist of relaxing and playing video games.

I’m just tired of everything. I’m physically tired, I’m mentally tired, I’m emotionally tired, I’m tired of being surrounded by self-absorbed idiots, I’m tired of people being jackasses for no reason…I’m just tired.

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First one in a little while

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I haven’t been posting blogs mainly because I’ve been getting very little to no sleep. So by the time I get time to write something, I’m completely exhausted and usually just take a nap. I don’t know if it’s my pillow, the bed or just me. But what I do know is that going on less than 12 hours of sleep a week is killing me. Last weekend I didn’t sleep Friday or Saturday, then Sunday night I slept about 4 hours, and Monday night I didn’t sleep…and these sleeping patterns have been going on for about 3 weeks. But anyways, last night I did manage to sleep from about 10pm-2am, and it was solid sleep, so it was nice. But I did have a very awkward dream.

I was kneeling before Death and the only part of it that I could see (besides the robe) was one hand, and that was keeping the top part of the hooded cloak closed so that its face didn’t show. I tried to look at the hand to see if it was actually skeletal, but it was too bright and I couldn’t see what the hand looked like. So Death told me that I could sit and didn’t have to cover my eyes or anything. So I just sat there while it stood, and we just talked. I told it everything that has been on my mind, everything that I’ve been wanting to get off of my chest, and everything that I’ve been concerned about. Mainly, about a certain client of mine. I have given this client more than a generous amount of advice on things that he has wanted to know about, but he refuses to take my advice. The one time that he did take my advice, things turned out well for him and things started to look up. But besides that one time, he has refused to follow any more advice. And now his life is going down hill fast. But me and Death were talking in my dream and Death pretty much just told me that I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make it drink. Which is true. I personally hate that saying, but in this case it is completely true. I just get frustrated when people constantly ask for advice and then refuse to take any of the advice. But whatever, it’s out of my hands and I can’t make anyone follow my advice.

But the solid four hours of sleep was much needed and much appreciated. Sadly though, after that I was kept up by my ‘hubby’ who decided that it was a good idea to eat 40 chicken mcnuggets with BBQ sauce in one sitting. He learned exactly how bad of an idea that was. So hopefully I’ll be able to get at least 6 hours of sleep tonight.

A party for a party

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The party that I was SO excited about for over the past month, was canceled until an undecided date due to a death. I completely understand. I am still looking forward to the party, but it is very sad that the person died. So my mother called me a told me that I am now invited to my cousin’s wedding. I agreed to it since it is a free ticket and everything will be paid for while I am over there. After committing to said wedding, I found out that the first party that was canceled will probably be rescheduled for the date that I am supposed to be gone for. So I have now pretty much switched one part for another party.

I’m excited about both parties and I REALLY hope that I can go to both, knowing my luck; that won’t happen. Personally, the original party is not worth giving up to go to a wedding, but what can I do about it? What’s done is done.

My ‘hubby’ has decided not to go, which is probably for the best.

Apparently I’m full of surprises

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Many of our regular customers at work only work during certain seasons. They are sent in from all over the country and one of the customers is from Arizona. Today was his last day, but he always flirts with all of the employees (except for me) and gets constantly rejected; mostly because everyone is in a relationship. So today I decided that I wasn’t going to hold anything back. When a coworker asked me in front of him if I thought he was attractive or not, I replied “Yes. He has a rugged manly look to him. But to be honest, I don’t think he could handle me.” Which apparently caught everyone by surprise and so the customer asked what I meant and I explained.

Back where I’m from I have a well known reputation of being very open and experimental in the bedroom. This is something that I’ve never tried to hide and I don’t really see a problem with it. I noticed that his expression changed and it was very obvious that his view of me changed and it was just extremely obvious to me that he was checking me out and that ideas were going through his head. So he said that he was pretty damn sure he could handle me. I laughed and told him that mothers always tell their sons to watch out for the quiet ones for a reason and then he told me that he was leaving tonight or tomorrow morning and that he’d love to prove me wrong…that was when a different coworker interrupted and said loudly “She’s in a relationship!” Then he left.

Now I was definitely not going to cheat, but I’m in a relationship, I’m not dead. So for the rest of the day everyone at work was breathing down my neck about how surprised they were that I was not only putting it out there, but that I even said anything in the first place. They all saw first hand that apparently I was very wild and dirty minded, but the thing is; I didn’t even show one percent of what I could have done. I decided to keep it extremely tame to what I could have done and said because I knew I was at work and that my coworkers were around me.

I guess it is true that I am full of surprises, but I’m only full of surprises because people judge. They assume that because I do not dress provocatively at work, layer on my make-up, and do not shout to the heavens all of my dirty ideas and stories, that I MUST obviously be a prude, or at least very shy in that department.

So far, a few people have told me what their impressions are of me and all opinions add up to me being a quiet little church mouse. And whenever I do start to open up even a little bit, people are suddenly surprised that my personality isn’t what they thought. I can be shy, quiet and completely serious. But for the most part it is because I know that I can’t walk into an interview cursing like a sailor and speaking in ‘slang’ while I tell dirty jokes and make crude comments about people. Nor could I sit there telling morbid jokes and talk about the various ways to kill someone and get away with it (disposal of body and all) and then suddenly witch the conversation to an intellectual debate about various things; whether it be history, implications of various social normalities, multiple science theories, or anything else of that nature.

So, I’m going to end this blog because to be frank, I have forgotten where I was going with this. But the point being: People should just stop judging a book by its cover. Whether it be for the good or bad of the person, just stop acting surprised whenever the quiet person says something raunchy, or the person who looks like they are fresh out of prison start an intellectual conversation about renewable resources or social morality.

To go back or not to go back

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I received a text message from my mother that my cousin (who is getting married) wants me to attend her wedding. They all live on the other side of the country and I don’t have the money to visit them; even if I did have the money I still don’t know if I even would. Well my mother offered to pay for my ticket to attend the wedding, and even though I would love to go back to California to visit my friends, I don’t really know if a free ticket and room is worth having to put up with my family. Because even if I do go, I don’t even know if I’d be able to visit my friends and do what I want to do. My family will see it as ‘we paid for the ticket, so you do exactly as we say’.

Also, I wouldn’t want to visit them alone, I’d want my ‘hubby’ to come with me, but my mother refused to offer to pay for him (which is understandable). She said that the ticket just for me will cost $600. So I looked online and TA-DA! I found two adult roundtrip tickets for under $500. I informed her of this, and she began telling me how no one will be able to house my ‘hubby’. I told her that we can stay in the same room, she then told me something silly about how she didn’t know if anyone would be comfortable with him staying in their home since he is not family.

Last time that he was in California with me, he faced the same thing. No one welcomed him and it was for the most hypocritical reason: Because of the color of his skin and what his financial situation was/the financial class he had been raised in.

My ‘hubby’ is darker than me, but we are from the same ethnicity; the island that he is from is literally right next to the island that my family is from. I grew up dirt poor, so did he. At the time he was still dirt poor, I had risen to lower middle class. But we both grew up in very similar situations and we just had a connection instantly. My family always told me how color and race never mattered, but then when I brought him home and even after we moved in together and even though we are still living together, my family wants nothing to do with him because he is of darker complexion and is not rich or middle class, so my family sees him as beneath them (myself included) and so they disapprove of us being together.

Even though our life is good together, especially when compared to others in my generation, they still disapprove to the point that many of my family members no longer speak or acknowledge me. We have lived together for going on 4 years, we do not have any children or debt. He has a career in his field of training, I have a job and am going to school and we are not constantly breaking up.

Even my cousin who is getting married, she and her fiance have called off the engagement at least 3 times in the less than 2 years that they have been dating. He first proposed to her when she found out that she was pregnant (about 3 months after they started dating), he then called it off because his mother got sick, then they started dating again after the baby was born, he proposed again, and then they broke it off again because he couldn’t stand living with her after they had moved in together. Then when the baby was about 5 months old they started dating again and got engaged again and then she broke off the engagement because she thought that he was cheating. And now they are engaged again and having a wedding ASAP.

I just don’t know, should I go back and expose myself to all the reasons why I left in the first place and have to hear the constant nagging of everyone as to why I’m not getting married and having children, and why am I allowing my younger family members to get married and have kids before me, and of course my favorite “Look at you, you’re so skinny, is he letting you eat?” “Look at your clothes, why don’t you have nice clothes? Doesn’t he buy you nice clothes?” “Look at yourself, you look so unkempt, why doesn’t he take care of you?”

I then get to explain how I pay for myself; I’m not dependent on my ‘hubby’ and I am an adult, I make my own choices and my ‘hubby’ supports most of my decisions. I chose to lose weight and become healthier, how we are waiting until after I finish college to start having serious discussions about marriage, how neither of us want children until after being married for a few years, how I choose to spend my money on things like school, bills and having fun, rather than spending $100 on a shirt or pair of pants, and how I choose to not wear make-up 24/7 and apply various expensive products to my hair, especially when I don’t need any of those things. Yes, my hair is very curly and frizzy, but that’s just how it is. If anything, I find it quite fun to know that I can easily pick my hair out into an afro at any given time. I don’t need to constantly wear make-up because I don’t really have anything to cover up. My face looks fine to me and everyone else that I know of; yes my face is a bit red when I blush or get too hot or cold, but that’s just how I am. Why should I wear expensive clothes and shoes when my clothes and shoes are just fine how they are and still look appropriate, and why should I buy all of the newest and latest things when my things are just fine.

So to go back and deal with it all, or to simply not go back right now and just wait until Christmas time when I will pay for it myself and be able to visit and spend my time exactly how I want to… decisions, decisions…

My secret mission

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Work has assigned me a secret spying mission for my shift tomorrow. Apparently the guy who I work with at night shift has been taking money from the registers. I almost lost my job over it, but when I explained that it couldn’t be me and the managers reviewed the tapes, they found that the only person who was acting suspicious around the money was the other employee. So they gave me these options: Either I try to catch him taking money, or we all get fired since there is no absolute proof that he is the one taking the money(he works two nights a week, each Tuesdays is one employee and I’m with him on Fridays), or they do nothing a just wait for the person taking the money to slip up (which is not a route they want to take). So now I get to be a spy on my next shift.

To be honest, I hate being a snitch…but…I’m not the type of person to take the fall for someone else. I’m the type of person who will save herself, and if I’m going down with no way to stop it, then I’m taking everyone I can down with me. But, even if my job wasn’t at stake, I’d still spy on him because to be honest…he’s an asshole and doesn’t even try to cover it up or even attempt to get along with coworkers; even after I had played dumb in order for him to not be fired, but hey, who tries to be nice anymore? He has already caused a lot of trouble for me at work so far, so I kind of relish the opportunity of being able to take him down.

So tomorrow I get to have the fun of pretty much shadowing him nonchalantly or at least make sure that I’m inconspicuous about it. Right now I am wishing that I would have spent most of my childhood trying to be a ninja.

Q&A

This may sound a bit weird, but I’ve been thinking. I’ve been getting a few likes and follows and even though I’m writing (or blogging, however you want to put it) about whatever comes to mind or things that I want; I want to know, any questions anyone wants to ask and have answered? Let’s hear the peoples’ voice. Come on now, don’t be shy. There is no such thing as a stupid question (which is one of the biggest lies people tell). So, let’s try this out in my first Q&A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anything you want to know, anything suggestions about my writing, anything at all!! Just try to keep it PG or PG13, hey, why not even go as low as G? Nothing rated R or XXX 🙂

You’re all wonderful and I appreciate any or all feedback 🙂 Just leave it in the comments, it will all be answered in another post 🙂

 

On a personal note: I’ve been reading other peoples’ blogs and the things that they have written about and are writing about and my inner James Brown narrator just goes “Good God!!” (all in a good way of course)

The dog and the wolf

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Today was an ok day, things have been pretty bad this month, but I know that things will get better and things are slowly already getting better. But I heard some news today that really just made my day go from ok to completely shitty. Originally I was going to write a blog today about how this news effected me and why it upset me so much, but as I let it fester for a bit, I remembered Aesop’s story about the dog and the wolf.

I first heard this little story in second grade. We were at a school assembly meeting about how reading is fun and there was a story teller who was reading various short stories and Aesop’s the dog and the wolf was in there. And that story stood out to me and really opened a new world to me. From that story I realized that I had an option in life, that I could choose to live how I wanted and that in the end the freedom that I would have would be worth the things that I would give up.

Because I have chosen to live like that in my own way, I got into a lot of trouble when I was younger, and even though I am cut off from all the benefits of if I had stayed with my family, I have gladly taken my freedom.

My younger sister spoke to me today (first time in almost a year) and told me how wonderful her life was going. She is the epitome of a spoiled brat and has been offered a high paying job if she gets her AA (she has already almost flunked out of college twice in less than two years), she is currently looking for a condo in a wealthy area around where our family lives, and she has never had to pay a cent for her schooling, her wants and need, or her child’s wants and needs. She has always been given everything she has ever wanted and asked for, and many times I went without necessities so that she could have her wants. I remember that I went from 5th grade to when I got my first job, without our parents ever buying me clothes, shoes or school supplies, but my younger sister would receive new expensive shoes every few months, new clothes, and new school supplies each year. I would be lucky if I received hand-me-downs from cousins, aunts or our older sister.

Although today I was torn between being happy for my younger sister when she told me how great everything was going, and being selfish and angry that things were going great for her and shitty for me; I took a second and realized that all of the things that she has ever gotten, is going to get and will continue to get, are all because our family takes care of her. She is going to college because our parents are paying for her entire college education. She is able to live comfortably with her baby because she lives rent free with our parents and our parents still spoil her and they are now spoiling her baby, so any money my younger sister has gotten from her part-time job have literally been for her to do with as she pleases rather than having to pay bills or support her baby. She kept the baby (instead of giving it up for adoption like she had wanted) because our parents disapproved of her “taking the easy way out” by putting the child up for adoption. She changed her life dreams and goals because our parents no longer approved of her life plan. She is getting the high paying job because of the friends that our parents have. Everything will continue to be gotten through our parents, she has not achieved anything on her own and doesn’t even know how to do anything on her own, and the price that she pays is that she cannot choose anything on her own. She changed her major in college because our parents told her she had to. She is driving her current car (paid for by our parents) because they picked it out for her. She is currently single because our parents disapproved of her boyfriend (not her baby’s daddy, but a different guy), she is only looking for condos in areas that our parents have already approved of, and will only get a condo if our parents approve of it.

I chose to leave the family for good and I knew that I was giving up what little benefits I had being with them, but I still gave up something that most people do not have. I chose to starve and be free rather than to “be a fat slave”. In the end, life is about choices and that is what I love about the life I have chosen, because I have the freedom to choose whatever I want. Some might call it post-teenage rebelling and a feeble attempt of trying to ‘stick it to the man’ or any type of authority figure, but I have simply chosen to live my own life by making my own choices and dealing with the consequences and whether they are good or bad, I welcome any, because I know that they are results of choices that I have made on my own.

So in conclusion:

Am I happy that things are going good for her? Yes

Am I upset that she’s getting everything handed to her and doesn’t appreciate it? No, I pity her that she’ll never really know what it’s like to stand on her own two feet, or appreciate the things that she is being handed, but, that is something that I cannot change, so I must simply accept it and move on with life.

The Dog and the Wolf by Aesop

A gaunt Wolf was almost dead with hunger when he happened to meet a House-dog who was passing by. “Ah, Cousin,” said the Dog. “I knew how it would be; your irregular life will soon be the ruin of you. Why do you not work steadily as I do, and get your food regularly given to you?”
“I would have no objection,” said the Wolf, “if I could only get a place.”
“I will easily arrange that for you,” said the Dog; “come with me to my master and you shall share my work.”
So the Wolf and the Dog went towards the town together. On the way there the Wolf noticed that the hair on a certain part of the Dog’s neck was very much worn away, so he asked him how that had come about.
“Oh, it is nothing,” said the Dog. “That is only the place where the collar is put on at night to keep me chained up; it chafes a bit, but one soon gets used to it.”
“Is that all?” said the Wolf. “Then good-bye to you, Dog.”
“BETTER STARVE FREE THAN BE A FAT SLAVE.”

A trip down disfunctional memory lane

When I was younger, being different from the people around me and not fitting in were absolutely horrible. The only time that I came close to ‘fitting in’ was when I would get in trouble for what other people did. I remember once my cousins and younger sister were torturing my cat. We had a bunk bed, they put my cat in a small child backpack and would let her drop from the top bunk. When she fell, they grabbed the back, tossed it back onto the top bunk and let it fall again. I was being the ‘oddball’ by not finding it amusing. I literally had gotten to the point of crying while trying to stop them. So finally I told on them and they were told to stop. I was then punished for tattling on them because “They’re family, blood is thicker than water, you don’t tell on family.” They were then given ice cream and I wasn’t. Afterwards my toys were taken away for 2 months due to tattling  then I was in even more trouble when my mom found out that I had beat up my younger sister when she tried to suffocate the cat with a pillow. For me, that was the beginning of understanding my family’s rules and it was the first time that I gladly took the punishment (spanked, not allowed to be alone EVER, and absolutely no social life, toys, or fun until my mother said so. I was to come home from school, do my homework and sit quietly at the dinner table until instructed otherwise). My younger sister wasn’t punished for what she did to the cat, but I saw myself as winning in the end. Yes, I had made my life worse, but she never hurt the cat again, and I was the only person who the cat was nice to in the house. Every time my younger sister walked down the hall the cat would attack her, the cat would wait near our bedroom door and every time she tried to go into our bedroom, the cat would attack her. So in the end, I thought that my punishment didn’t really matter because things had improved from how they were for the cat and my younger sister had learned a lesson.
I remember in middle school my cousins had started bullying me. They antagonized me and spread rumors. They even encouraged others to do the same. I started fighting back and standing up for myself, and then my cousins twisted it to me bullying others and being ‘weird’. I stated my case to my mother, but she didn’t believe me since after all  I was known for not fitting in, and I was outnumbered, so I obviously was lying.
That led to open season for me because from that point on everyone knew that no matter what they did, I couldn’t do anything back. My mother had put the ban on me ‘starting anything’. But after a while I realized that I couldn’t physically beat my cousins or family, so, I decided to use my lack of freedom to my advantage. Reading and school were my escapes from life and soon, I found that no matter how much or little I did socially in school life, my cousins would constantly report back that I had done ‘bad things’. But, I realized that I needed to focus on things that would better my future, rather than wallow in my own pity about how unfair and how shitty of a hand I had been dealt.
But in the end, I’ve found that I’m reverting more and more to my original goofy self, the me that I had to keep locked away for so long because it was bashed through my head constantly that I was to not be myself, but the self that my family saw fit and acceptable to be part of the family. And the environment else where did not allow me to be goofy and silly, so I had to keep my skin thick and my bite hard. The end result is a silly, nerdy and goofy girl who melts at the sight of animals, but who also is very untrusting of others, willing to fight anyone who wants to start things, who is rebellious, doesn’t really care for others, has an attitude and big authority issues.
Since I’ve moved and have seen life and have been able to live my own life more and more completely on my own, I’ve noticed that my family is much like a cult. We had our ‘leader’ who was the eldest person in the family (my grandmother from my mother’s side). What she said went, and my mother is now in charge since she is the eldest woman. Everyone has to do things together and conform and fit in together. Each generation does things at around the same time. They have kids at around the same time, they all live together at around the same time, they all went to college at around the same time, they all stopped going to college at around the same time, they all got around the same grades in school, they all think the same.
If one person looks at a picture and says “I see a duck.” Then everyone else sees a duck. I was the only one who would see an elephant or an apple, and was told ‘No, it’s a duck. There is nothing else but a duck. How dare you say it’s something other than a duck.’

Becoming an Adult

From the time I was in 7th grade (11 or 12) I did not think I would make it to the age of 30. By the time I was a sophomore in high school (15-16) I had come to terms with the reality that I would be lucky to live past 22 years old. But now that I’m turning 23 years old in a few months, I’m actually tearing up a little with the new realization that I can now easily make it to my 70s or even 80s, and hey, if I’m good enough, I can even make it to my 90s or 100s. Even though most people in my family die at a ripe old age, they still die of things related to not taking care of themselves when they were younger, and on my biological father’s side everyone usually dies of either cancer or they kick the bucket in an unforeseen freak way. My Oma (grandmother on bio father’s side) died due to her stomach exploding, Opa (grandfather on bio father’s side) died of lung cancer about a year or two after he retired from the military, many member on his side of the family died in car crashes, war, or some weird and freaky accident. My mom’s side, the only time people died young was before they came to America. A lot of her side of the family was killed during their country’s revolution. But besides that, mostly people die past the age of 70 and it’s everything from cancer to heart attacks or their own damn stubbornness to not accept treatment for various medical problems.

But anyways…

I’m glad that I’m able to surpass the age that I thought I was going to live to. And I’m even happier (and a bit proud) that I’m able to become the adult that I always knew deep down that I could be. Everyone always expected that if I made it to the age of 22, then I would be in jail, or I would be a welfare queen, or some type of homeless prostitute. But I always knew that I wouldn’t let myself get like that, I always hoped that I would raise above the situations that I had been born into and raised in and that I would stand on my own two feet and succeed. And so far I have and from what I can see for the future, I will continue to succeed so long as I focus on it and not get stuck in a rut that I see a lot of people around me being stuck in.
I know that moving to Connecticut was the best choice for me, even though no one in my family thought it was. But it was the best move for me because I was able to break away. If I would have stayed then my life would be very different from what it is now. In such a short time; only a few years of living here, I know that if I would have stayed in California then I would have been sucked into the group mentality of my family.
My family consists of not only immediate family, but extended family as well. Because I and my cousins were all born at around the same time, we were all raised like brothers and sisters. My aunts and uncles were second moms and dads. My older sister is about a year old than one cousin. I and two other cousins were born in the same year. And my little sister and the last cousin were born within a month of each other. Since we all lived in the same city, all of us were just a family. Depending on the time of year would depend on whether all of us would spend most of our time either at our home or at an uncle or aunt’s house.
Now my younger sister and two female cousins have children and whenever I do talk with my mother and few family members who still speak with me, the conversation always leads to the same thing “Come back, your generation is having kids so you need to have a kid. If you don’t, then your kid will grow up lonely and coming back will be even harder. Don’t be an oddball, don’t be weird, stop trying to be different.” That’s summarizing, but all conversations lead to that.
But I’m glad that I’m not being part of my family. I am being me, I’m doing what I want to do. It’s difficult, but well worth it in my opinion. I love being able to actually live an American life style; being able to make something out of nothing, and not having to do what everyone else is doing, having to luxury of being able to choose and question things.